Signs of Infidelity to Look Out For

It is probably true to say that you know your spouse or significant other better than anyone else. When you spend a lot of time with someone, you learn their moods, likes, weaknesses, and strengths. When something is wrong in their life, you usually will be the first person to detect it. In the unfortunate case that your spouse or partner is being unfaithful, you will likely have the intuit to detect signs of infidelity.

Understanding infidelity in relationships.

Infidelity is one of many things that could go wrong in a relationship. If it happens, you hope that you would be able to tell. Unfortunately, even the happiest of relationships can be affected by infidelity, as the reasons for it are myriad and often not obvious.

Typically, people assume that affairs happen only where there is some sort of unhappiness or neglect. Though this is often enough, infidelity happens for other reasons too, including:

• A spontaneous act when the opportunity presents itself, combined with poor boundaries.
• As a form of revenge for a real or perceived wrong inflicted by the other partner.
• As part of one’s self-exploration.
• Due to low self-esteem and being unable to say “No!” to someone’s.
• Poor emotional self-care that leaves one vulnerable to a quick escape in an affair.
• Sexual dysfunction with one’s current partner.
• Difficulty communicating with and feeling connected to one’s partner.

Unfortunately, infidelity is quite common, with some studies indicating that around a fifth to a little under half of heterosexual married men, and a fifth to a quarter of heterosexual married women will engage in an extramarital affair at some point in their lives.

The betrayal of infidelity can occur in a variety of ways, including an emotional affair, flirty texting, or a porn habit.

Some signs of infidelity.

It can be an illusion to believe that you or your partner are immune to the allure of an affair. One of the prophets once said,

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? – Jeremiah 17:9, NIV

You and your spouse can find yourselves having an affair and unsure of how it happened in the first place. This awareness can help couples guard against infidelity and can motivate them to build better communication to address any concerns sooner than later. Some of the signs of infidelity include:

• Becoming secretive, especially with one’s electronic and communication devices.
• Unexplained purchases or absences from regular commitments.
• Low levels of energy for the primary relationship.
• Lower levels of intimacy and changes in your sex life.
• Someone new (or old) that your partner cannot stop talking about.
• An increase in being affectionate or attentive, which may stem from guilt.
• A new focus of their appearance, including how they dress, or how their body looks and smells.
• They gaslight you when you ask if they are having an affair.
• You catch them in lies or inconsistencies, like their movements or who they have been with.
• They stop talking about your future together.
• They do not get upset about things they used to, signaling that maybe they have checked out.

Having said all the above, it is important to understand that some people are good at covering their tracks, and there will not necessarily be signs of what is happening. Also consider that sometimes people change their behavior or habits suddenly and without any real explanation. Such changes do not necessarily indicate infidelity.

While it is important to trust your gut and speak candidly with your spouse, there are not any definitive telltale signs of infidelity, unless you catch your partner red-handed, or they own up to what has happened.

If you come across any signs of infidelity, take that as a prompt to have a conversation with your partner or spouse, keeping an open mind and not leading with accusations.

Healing after infidelity.

Infidelity is complex, and not always obvious when it happens. Some signs that can be taken as indicative of infidelity may in fact be attributable to other factors. Clear communication is always best between you and your partner. Express your concerns to your partner to find out what is happening. If you discover that an affair has happened or is currently happening, you can move toward addressing it.

The trauma from infidelity can be a serious wake up call for a couple to grow and change as individuals, and in their relationship. Healing from the deep betrayal of trust that a secret relationship creates is possible.

Counseling after infidelity is essential but can be difficult as you explore yourselves and your relationship to understand what happened and why. It is possible that out of that process, a new and better version of yourselves and your relationship can be birthed.

A counselor can help you, as a couple, become more aware, accepting, and capable of effectively addressing difficult emotions such as anger, insecurity, unhappiness, anxiety, depression, being undervalued, or even the feeling of being trapped. This can help the relationship become more resistant to the instant gratification of a secret relationship that is often hard to resist.

Additionally, a counselor can work with you to address any causes of infidelity if it has occurred. They can walk with you to rebuild your physical, emotional, and spiritual connection, and they can help you overcome difficulties in relationships such as poor attachment styles, unresolved conflict, and any neglect that may have crept into the relationship.

If your relationship is struggling with infidelity, reach out to our offices today so we can connect you with a qualified Christian counselor to walk a journey toward healing with you and your spouse.