How to Control Anger Before It Controls You

Everyone has felt anger at some point in their lives. Whether it was a mild annoyance or bubbling rage, anger is a normal human emotion. Getting angry is not always the issue, but anger can lead to problems in your social life, professional life, and relationship with God. For this reason, we must learn to control anger before it controls us.

What is anger?

The nature of anger

According to Charles Spielberger, Ph.D. – a psychologist specializing in anger studies – anger is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.” Anger can be caused by external or internal events, and it could be directed at a person, an inanimate object, a memory, and so on. It is often accompanied by a spike in hormones like adrenaline and high blood pressure.

The Expression of Anger

Aggression is a natural expression of anger. Anger can be expressed with aggressive words and/or actions. Due to civil laws, societal norms, and overall common sense, there is a limit to who or what you can take your anger out on without ending up in jail or a hospital. Some businesses have even capitalized on these limitations by providing rooms with fragile objects for people to smash, rather than teaching them to control anger.

The Bible prohibits getting angry and lashing out. You cannot always avoid the things that trigger your anger, but you can always control how you react to the things or people that provoke you. Chances are, if you have an anger management problem, you already know it.

How to Control Anger

Relaxation

People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser people remain calm. – Proverbs 14:17

The next time you feel angry, try the following to control your anger:

• Take slow, deep breaths, originating from your diaphragm. In through your nose, out through your mouth.
• While breathing deeply, chant a calming word or phrase to yourself. It does not need to be a real word, just one that feels good coming out. Think “Haberdashery.”
• Remember or visualize a relaxing event. It can either be a memory or an imaginary experience.
• Non-strenuous exercises like Tai Chi practiced daily can make you feel much calmer in the long term.

Ignore Offenses with Cognitive restructuring

Insightful people restrain their anger; their glory is to ignore an offense. – Proverbs 19:11

Cognitive restructuring, in simple terms, is changing the way you think. Sometimes when you’re angry, you can exaggerate and be dramatic. Words like “always” and “never” begin to come up in your speech. You should replace these words and thoughts with more rational ones. For example, is your boss a micro-managing jerk who is “always” on your case, or are they a diligent steward of the business just doing their job the best way they know how?

Offense is often taken without even being offered. You cannot always guarantee whether or not you are going to offend someone, but you can choose not to take offense, even if it is intentional, helping you control anger.

Better communication

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. – James 1:19-20

When you are angry, you can jump to and act on hasty conclusions, and they can be highly inaccurate. Anger produces all-or-nothing thinking that entices you to dig your heels in and stand by your position until your opponent caves in.

If you find yourself in a heated discussion or situation, slow down and think through your response. Choose your words carefully and listen intently to what the other person is trying to communicate. Repeat what you heard to be sure you are on the same page before you proceed.

Consider the cause of the anger, for both you and with whomever you may argue. For example, if you work hard and like to unwind by gaming or watching TV when you get home, having your spouse complain about your screen time could be a trigger. If they start objecting to your activities, don’t retaliate by painting your partner as an ungrateful jailer who does not appreciate your hard work.

When faced with criticism, it is natural to become defensive and fight back. Instead, pay attention to what may be triggering the other person: perhaps, using our previous example, the message that they are trying to convey is that they also need your attention instead of watching TV.

Always remember that your anger seldom brings about the righteousness that God demands, which is why he wants you to control anger.

Use Humor to Diffuse the Situation

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. – Proverbs 19:11

Humor is a double-edged sword. It can fuel the flames of anger even further or it can diffuse an intense situation. Witty sarcasm could be seen as condescension while dark satire could provide a jolt of unexpected laughter. You never know what cracking a joke might do in a hostile situation, but the humor is meant for just you.

Think of something that makes you laugh. It could be the latest episode of your favorite sitcom or a funny retort that you just came up with. The idea is to turn away from anger and move toward laughter.

If you fancy yourself a seasoned jester, you could share the joke and lower tempers. It also helps to look for all the absurdities that lie in whatever is making you mad. Ponder this until you no longer remember why you were mad in the first place.

Changing your environment

But keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels. As the Lord’s servant, you must not quarrel. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents, for it may be that God will give them the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth. – 2 Timothy 2:23-25

By now, you know the situations and places that contribute to your anger. It is best to avoid anger triggers and seek out places that induce calm. Retreat to those places whenever you need to clear your head and gain a better perspective on things. Sometimes confrontations are necessary, but you need to choose your battles wisely. You do not always have to win, and your way is not the only alternative to the highway as you learn to control anger.

Timing

Fools reveal their anger right away, but the shrewd hide their contempt. – Proverbs 12:16

You may find that changing the time you have certain discussions can have a huge impact on your relationships. There’s a reason people say “Did I catch you at a bad time?” You must recognize and respect that people need time to cool down before you can bring up any issues that need hashing out. You must also communicate when it is not a good time for you, not as a way of avoiding confrontation, but as a deliberate way of ensuring you have the right mindset for a discussion.

Avoidance

Don’t try to get revenge for yourselves, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath. It is written, Revenge belongs to me; I will pay it back, says the Lord. – Romans 12:19

There is a right time to just walk away. Times when any engagement will not yield a positive result. For example, if a person you bumped into on the street shoved you back before you could apologize. Their aggression is clearly meant to get a rise out of you and pull you into a fight. The best course of action is to just walk away and ignore any deriding comments that might ensue. Let God avenge you and be on your way.

Do you need counseling for anger management?

If you are having trouble controlling your anger, you should consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A counselor can work with you to develop a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.